When Your Ex Girlfriend Reaches Out After a Long Time of No Contact
When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do.
I’m here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you …and it’s something you shouldn’t ruin. (I mean, obviously, right?)
Get things right, and you’ll start seeing your ex girlfriend again. She’ll feel more attracted to you than ever before and she’ll be eager to see you again.
But make the wrong move… and you lose your chance. Probably forever.
(By the Way, Get the FREE eBook: 7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back)
To help you out, I’ll share with you the following question asked by our good friend Mike.
PAY CLOSE ATTENTION: He’s probably got the same issue as you. His ex girlfriend contacted him after 6 months of no contact, and he’s confused out of his mind wondering what to make of it.
I mean she just texted him out of the blue. It came OUT OF NOWHERE!
So I don’t blame him one bit for feeling crazy confused.
Ok Mike, take it away…
Table of Contents
***Question From Mike***
My ex girlfriend just reached out after 6 months of no contact! What should I do to get her back?!
Ok here’s my story…
My girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago.
At the time, she said she wanted to take a “break” because she no longer felt a “spark” for me.
I was devastated.
We’ve been going no contact ever since (it’s been 6 months since we last talked)
But now she called me yesterday two times in a row. (Related Article: When Your Ex Girlfriend Texts You After 6 Months)
I did not answer her calls, and soon after that, she sent me a text with a screenshot of a math problem she wanted me to help her solve.
The weird thing is… I know she KNOWS how to solve that kind of problem. Why would she ask me?
If she wanted to talk, all she had to do was be straightforward with me and say let’s talk.
What should I do to get her to want me again?
Here’s a very important fact about female psychology that you need to know:
Women get into your “orbit” when they’re thinking about you.
Most of the time, they will do it indirectly.
They will find an excuse to talk to you.
And when your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact… what matters is that she is reaching out. Even if what she says seems random or pointless.
Let me say that again…
The way she reaches out doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that your ex girlfriend is reaching out.
As a woman, she will be indirect and “skip around the subject”… but what she really is COMMUNICATING is: “You are on my mind and I want to reach out somehow.”
As a man, being AWARE of this female psychology secret allows you to understand what your ex girlfriend reacts to, and you will have a greater chance to get her back.
But if you don’t “get it”… you will be lost and confused and you’ll have to depend on luck
In your case, asking for help with a math problem was her way of reaching out. It was her EXCUSE to get into your radar.
As a man, you have to read these signals, be decisive, and confidently lead the interaction to where you want it to go.
Here’s what you need to do…
Don’t wait for her to actually say “let’s talk.” or “let’s meet.”
No. Instead, when your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time… assume it’s because she misses you… and wants to see you… and then make a date.
Be direct and say “Hey, it was great talking. I’d like to see you… when are you free to get together?” And set a time and date to meet up.
What do you do next?
The next step is tricky, so listen up.
Most men sabotage their chance to get their ex back because they make the following mistake…
What Do Most Men Do When Their Ex Jumps Back Into Their Lives Suddenly?
They ruin it by pushing too hard to get “officially” back together with their ex.
Look, I get it. I’ve been there. You are so eager and excited to get back the relationship you had before… that you can’t help but to rush things.
You just can’t wait to get it over with and KNOW in your mind that everything will be alright because you have her as your girlfriend again.
But that’s when you lose…
Because when you are in a fearful state of mind of NEEDING to have her back as your “official” girlfriend… it blocks you from creating the attraction that makes her fall in love with you again.
And then when she senses you REALLY NEED to become her boyfriend again, she will feel like she’s losing her freedom and she will back away quickly.
Instead, Here’s What to do When You Start Seeing Your Ex Girlfriend Again
Here’s what to do.
Never bring up your feelings, relationship labels, “getting back together” talk.
Don’t do any of that stuff.
Let me ask you a question.
When you and your ex girlfriend first started going out… how did you behave? What was going through your mind? I want you to really try and remember this.
Chances are, you weren’t constantly worrying about your future chances with her. There was no pressure to be officially together. It was all good emotions and FUN.
You were PRESENT in the moment… there was lots of laughing… flirting… teasing… overall lots of positive emotions that allowed her to feel a strong sexual and emotional chemistry with you.
THAT fun, present energy is what TRIGGERED attraction in her and what made her slowly start falling in love with you.
That was it!
If you want to get your ex girlfriend back, you have to hang out with her with that same FUN and PRESENT state of mind… so that you give her those FEELINGS OF ATTRACTION again.
I know, I know… this is so much easier said than done. Most men in your situation get so impatient to get back together… that they bring the “needy” attitude that stops their ex from becoming re-attracted again.
That’s why you must be emotionally strong and stick to the plan (in particular, the plan laid out in my Free “How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back” eBook)
Get the Free eBook: “How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back”
Inside, you will learn:
- 7 Dangerous Mistakes That Stop You From Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back
- The Simple Reason Women Go From Sweet and Loving to COLD and Indifferent
- The 3 Behaviors You Must Do to Re-Attract her back
- How to Make “Becoming Official Again” Her Idea
==> Get Free Instant Access to the Report Here
What to Read Next
At some point in the process of winning your ex-boyfriend back you are going to have to speak to him. Usually that means that you are going to have to call him when you are ready, giving you control over when the call happens. You calling him first is a great approach because you are in the driver seat which mean’s you can be prepared.
But what should you do if your ex-boyfriend calls you first……. Should you answer or ignore it?
This article is going to help you figure out if you should answer the call or not, and how you should behave when you speak to him.
The topics we are going to be covering are:-
When you are trying to win your ex-boyfriend back the general plan involves you reaching out to your ex. Normally you will start with texts and build enough rapport to progress onto phone calls and then eventually face to face meetings and dates.
However things don’t always work that way, sometimes an ex-boyfriend might call you first but the big question is…. Is it better to answer it or let it go to voicemail?
The Benefits Of The No Contact Rule
Everybody knows that I love the No- Contact rule. I love it because it gives you time to get yourself back, settle your head, and work on improving yourself. After a breakup emotions can run high and this is the case for you and your ex. Having a period of no-contact allows your ex’s negative feelings towards you to subside leaving behind a sense of nostalgia for the relationship that will make him miss you.
The deeper into the no-contact period you go, the stronger those feelings of nostalgia become, finally peaking at around the 21-30 day mark. Because your ex-boyfriend’s negative feelings and sense of nostalgia balance out between 3-4 weeks, we usually recommend to our Ex-Boyfriend Recovery community that they maintain a strict no contact period of no less than 21 days.
During those 21-45 days of silence your ex-boyfriend will see you going from strength to strength without him, wonder why you have not contacted him and become frustrated by the lack of attention you are giving him. This is exactly the effect you want to have on your ex-boyfriend if you want him to chase you and invest his time, money and effort into you…. All key components in the strategy to winning your ex back.
The no-contact period will be confusing for your ex, one moment he might feel happy and free, and the next moment he is feeling depressed. It is common for an ex-boyfriend to start calling and texting you for attention, validation, or even to start a fight amongst other reasons. It is better to let your ex continue to wait until the end of your 21-45 day no contact period to avoid falling into a make-up/break-up scenario, a friends with benefits relationship or having arguments that will damage your chances further. For this reason I believe staying in no-contact and ignoring your ex is often the best option if he calls you.
There are some exceptions where I think it is advisable to break the no contact rule and we are going to cover these next.
If you have children with your ex then I definitely think you should answer if he calls. This reason is no brainer, his call could relate to anything from a breakdown in childcare right through to some kind major accident.
If you have children with your ex, always remember that a child has a right to have two parents if the opportunity allows. Maintaining low contact with your ex-boyfriend is permissible if you have children together, however you should keep correspondence to a minimum for at least 21 days.
If you still live with your ex-boyfriend then ignoring him for 21 days will be incredibly difficult and also make for an unpleasant living arrangement. If you live with your ex then I recommend low contact, rather than no contact for the sake of being civil. Your low-contact would allow saying hello, smiling, being pleasant and respectful….. The key point to remember however is that you are not friends. You are aiming to give off the impression that you are happy and unfazed by the break-up in all of your interactions but that you do not want to be his friend.
Because you live together your ex-boyfriend might need to call you in an emergency, when he does you should let it go to voicemail. Pick up the message and if it is an emergency then call him back. If he is calling for general chat, then you should ignore it and speak to him briefly when you get home.
Other Administrative Purposes
This would include things such as working together, sharing classes or needing to settle financial matter.
If your ex calls for any of these purposes I would generally class these as less urgent than having children together. If your ex-boyfriend calls I would let it go to voicemail and pick it up later on in the day. If your ex has a genuine matter than needs to be resolved then you can text him or email him back a few hours later in the day.
The Rule Of Four
There are several criteria that I would consider reasonable grounds to break no-contact……. BUT……. you are going to need to meet at least four of those criteria to accept your ex-boyfriends phone call. This is because on their own each of these criteria is not strong enough justification to break your no-contact rule.
I know you are going to be tempted to cheat here ….. so I am putting a lot of trust in you to show some discipline…. Don’t let me down
1. How long were you together?
If you and your ex-boyfriend were together a long time and this is your first breakup then I would say you have grounds to break no-contact.
If you and your ex-boyfriend had a relationship lasting less than a few months, then the fact you have broken up so soon is probably an indication that there are some bigger underlying problems to be addressed during your no-contact period. Where this is the case I recommend ignoring the call.
2. How many days into no-contact are you?
If you have only just started your no-contact period, then it is probably not a good idea to go ahead and break it straight away….
Remember your no-contact period is there to help you improve yourself, if you skip the time you have for self-improvement, the new relationship may well suffer from the same problems as
before…… and we don’t want you getting back together only to break-up again.
If however you are nearing the end of your no contact period and your ex-boyfriend reaches out to you, then you can consider answering his phone call.
If you are unsure whether you have completed enough of your no-contact period, I would suggest that if you have done ¾ of the time then you can answer his call.
3. Have you broken up before?
I want you to ask yourself a question…. Are you stuck in a make-up/break-up cycle?
The make-up/break-up cycle would be where you are constantly splitting up and getting back together but never really making any improvements in your relationship. Think of your typical on again, off again relationship….
That is exactly what the make-up break-up cycle is.
If you and your ex have had several breakups already and are stuck in an on/off relationship…….. then it is time to break the cycle. If you can identify with this then I strongly recommend that you undertake your full no-contact period and do not take his call as it is important to show your ex-boyfriend that you mean business.
However if this is your first breakup and your ex reaches out to contact you during your no-contact period, then you would have strong grounds to answer his phone call assuming you meet three other criteria.
4. Where are you in your personal recovery
This factor is really important. Speaking to your ex before you feel mentally ready can set back your progress by weeks. The last thing you want to do when attempting to get back on track and rekindle a relationship, is suffer a major backslide that might trigger needy or angry behaviour on your part.
Take time to think about how you felt immediately after the break-up and compare that to now.
- Do you feel more emotionally stable?
- Would talking to your ex make you feel like crying?
- Do you feel capable to speak to your ex without begging to get back together?
Think about your own journey through self-improvement…. Are you able to say that you have significantly upgraded your lifestyle in a way that makes you happy?
If you feel that you can answer each of these questions positively (with no cheating) then you have good grounds to take his call. For those of you who perhaps are not yet ready, I would recommend staying in no-contact to avoid causing further damage by speaking to soon.
5. What caused the breakup?
This category is very broad, it covers the whole encyclopaedia of breakup reasons but I will attempt to cover the main ones.
In circumstances where your ex-boyfriend cheated on you then I would suggest you remain in no contact, think of your no contact period as a sort of punishment for his behaviour. If you break the no-contact period for an ex who cheated on you, then will teach him that you will easily forgive his infidelities, making him more likely to cheat again…. I think we can both agree that you definitely don’t want to give this impression to him.
If you broke up because of a long-distance relationship where the breakup was not so bad then I would suggest taking the call. My reason for this is that LDRs are very difficult and opportunities to talk or meet up are less frequent so you should take advantage of the situation if you feel ready to talk.
The last two types of breakup I want to cover are the Grass is Greener syndrome and the General Breakup. The Grass is Greener syndrome is where your ex-boyfriend grows disillusioned with the relationship and feels he could find a better girlfriend…… you and I know that is probably unlikely because you are awesome!
Finally, the general breakup is where you breakup for no particular reason, you just drift apart. Perhaps your ex felt that you weren’t suited for each other or he didn’t have time for the relationship, maybe he said “it’s not you, it’s me”…. Anything like that would be classed as a general breakup.
If your break-up was caused by either Grass is Greener syndrome or was a general break-up then I would recommend that you stay in no-contact as it is important that your ex recognises that there is a strong chance he could lose you; this is only going to happen if you are less available to him.
Other factors you might want to consider are how bad was the breakup….
- Was civil or did it involve tears and tantrums?
- Did you beg him to stay?
If your breakup was extremely painful then I would recommend staying in no-contact as the likelihood your ex is angry with you is much higher. This is because the level of pain experienced after a breakup is related to how much you felt for someone; the more you love someone, the more painful the breakup…. It makes sense really.
If your breakup was very painful then this indicates that the feelings between you and your ex were very strong…. these sort of feelings take a long time to settle down, so you should wait until the end of no-contact rather than answer his call as both your emotions will still be very raw.
6. Who initiated the break-up
This factor is all about power…. and believe me if you hold the power then your chances of getting back together are a lot better.
If you broke-up with your ex-boyfriend then you most likely have the upper hand in winning your ex back. However if your ex-boyfriend ended the relationship with you then the situation is the other way around.
This factor is a tough one because if you dumped him then you don’t want to bruise his ego too much if he is making efforts to get you back. However…. If you broke up with him then its worth remembering that you must have had a good reason. Ask yourself if you feel your ex has changed and if he feels remorseful.
If he broke-up with you and is reaching out then it could be he is regretting the situation or it could be that he is trying to hook-up so you will need to evaluate all of his behaviour before making your decision.
7. How often has your ex-boyfriend contacted you?
This one is probably the most telling sign that your ex wants you back. If your ex has reached out to you several times by text or phone call in a positive manner, then you are seeing the beneficial effects of no-contact. If your ex has done this a few times over a period of a few days and is making a lot of effort, then you can answer his phone call if you can meet the “rule of four”
Notice how I said that your ex reaches out in a positive manner…… if your ex reaches out to you in a negative manner, perhaps he is angry or rude towards you then I would definitely suggest that you stay in your no-contact period. Remainining in no-contact will give him time to settle down and also stop him from saying more hurtful things towards you which could kill your confidence.
To help you figure out quickly if you can answer your ex’s calls I have drawn up a flow chart for you to follow….. just try to avoid cheating the system!!!
If you feel you want to cheat the system, then you probably aren’t ready to talk to your ex yet.
How Do You Behave On A Call?
If you do decide to answer your ex-boyfriend’s call, here are a few short pointers on how to behave when you speak with him.
- Be positive and upbeat.
- Listen to what he has to say.
- Talk about his interests.
- Mention the exciting things you have been up to.
- End the conversation on a high point.
- Keep the call short .
- Don’t discuss the breakup.
- Don’t ask to get back together.
- Don’t get emotional.
- Don’t get into a fight.
- Don’t ask if he misses you or is seeing someone.
We have established there are three criteria which will allow you to answer your ex-boyfriend’s phone call if he rings. The criteria we discussed were having children together, cohabitation, and administration purposes. Anything that doesn’t fall into those categories isn’t strong enough justification on its own to break your no-contact period so you will need to pass the Rule of Four.
I’m trusting you to show some restraint and not try to cheat the system as the no-contact rule is designed to help you heal after a break-up. The no-contact rule is such a fundamental part of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery programme that you should really only be breaking it in exceptional circumstances. If you feel in any doubt about whether you meet the criteria then I would recommend you stay in no contact as it is the safer option.
If you feel you meet the criteria to break no-contact and answer your ex’s calls, just remember to remain calm and positive on the phone to him. Try to avoid talking about the breakup, and finally end the call at a high point just as you would with a text message conversation.
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This article is the second part of a two part series. Read part one, Defining the Line.
As a 22-year-old woman, I often look back to seven years ago, when a 15-year-old version of myself met a boy and quickly became trapped in his manipulation. Over the course of 2 years, I went on to endure abuse —emotional (including stalking), digital, physical and sexual—all at the hand of this dreamy boy I thought I loved. Looking back, there were some definite patterns of behavior that I didn’t notice crossed the line into abuse. Here are a few:
My god, this is a huge one. I remember so clearly my friends in high school saying that their boyfriends were so in love with them, and they knew that because they were always jealous of other boys. I remember a male friend saying to me, “A little jealousy is always good in a relationship. I mean, how can I believe you really love me if you don’t ever get jealous?”
JEALOUSY IS NOT OKAY.
I REPEAT, JEALOUSY IS NOT. OKAY.
Not even a little bit of it. Not even a smidge. Jealousy does not prove that your significant other loves you. A jealous partner is an insecure partner who will use their insecurities as a way to excuse manipulative and controlling behavior. A jealous partner will never trust you completely, and will use that lack of trust as a pathway to tear you down and convince you that somehow their inability trust you is your fault.
Jealousy and mistrust go hand in hand, and while it’s cliché to say that trust is the foundation of any good relationship, it’s true. What’s even more true is that lack of trust and the presence of jealousy is the foundation for an emotionally manipulative and possibly abusive relationship.
If your partner is looking through your phone, if your partner gets upset because you have friends who are of the sex you are attracted to, if your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating, if your partner wants to keep tabs on you at all times so that they know you are being loyal, they are jealous, and they are manipulating you to feed their jealousy.
In that situation, you will never earn their trust. Even though they claim it’s your fault, or maybe the fault of someone in their past, it’s actually their own doing, and because of that you will never be able to change it.
Jealousy and mistrust crosses the line.
Denying Their Actions
So often, I heard my abuser tell me that I was “acting crazy” and that everything was “all in my head.” I would tell him that he doesn’t treat me well, and he would proceed to deny all of the accusations I was making about him. Instead, he would list all of the great things he claimed he did for me. He would call me a liar and tell me I was making things up, and then the conversation would flip and everything would be all my fault – again – even though the conversation started by me telling him how he needed to act better.
Nothing was ever his fault. The fights always ended in me begging him to take me back, to stay with me, to love me. And then he would graciously agree and I would be relieved, and then moments later I’d feel like I had been hypnotized, as I’d realize that what I’d set out to talk to him about turned into yet another way in which he had hurt my self-esteem. He made me believe I was worthless, and made me beg for him again.
In no instance should you ever feel like you have to beg for someone to love you. In no scenario is it okay for a significant other to purposefully make their partner feel so worthless that they have no choice but to beg for their love, because they’re the only one nice enough to love them. This is a classic way in which perpetrators abuse their partners – they beat them down, make them feel like they are terrible people, and then trick them into believing that they actually are so terrible that they need to beg to receive love. Denying any wrongdoing and making their partner feel as if they are crazy for pointing out flaws in their abuser is another way in which perpetrators trap and control their victims. If this is happening to you, be aware that this is a huge red flag.
Consistently denying negative actions and behaviors in order to blame you for those behaviors crosses the line.
Name Calling / Shaming
My ex-boyfriend was so consistently skeptical of me, and so relentlessly accused me of cheating on him, that he began to justify this based on the fact that I had had two boyfriends before him, so therefore I was a “slut,” a “whore,” and many other terrible words. He would call me these things with the intent to hurt me, and he would never apologize. He called me a slut so often that I started to believe it.
Nobody ever has the right to call you names like these. Name calling and shaming is emotionally abusive, and yet another way in which abusers break their partners down so hard that they are defenseless against their manipulation.
Name calling crosses the line.
Shaming someone based on their sexual history crosses the line.
Restricting Digital Access/Monitoring Online Activity
This is a relatively new way perpetrators have been abusing their victims – particularly middle and high school and college-aged partners. My ex-boyfriend often went through my phone. He insisted that I turn over all passwords to him so that he could see who I was talking to and make sure I wasn’t cheating. He justified this by saying, “If you have nothing to hide, then why not let me see it?” Any time I refused, he took it as a confession to cheating, and the arguing and ultimate begging would begin again.
Nobody has the right to look through your phone at any time, for any reason, without your consent. And even if you do consent, significant others should not be constantly asking to go through your phone. There’s no reason they should be doing that – either they trust you or they don’t. If they trust you, truly, then they would never ask to do that, because they shouldn’t need proof that you are respecting the boundaries of your relationship. If they don’t trust you, letting them go through your phone will not fix that. Remember, you cannot change whether your partner truly trusts you or not, because mistrust and jealousy are just manifestations of an individual’s low self-esteem and desire to control you.
Additionally, a significant other banning you from having certain social media accounts is not okay, as is them telling you that you can’t go on certain websites or be online without them actively monitoring your activity. A partner who is trying to restrict your access to the internet is a partner who is trying to control what information you get to see, and what avenues you have at hand to express yourself or communicate with other people.
A partner insisting they have control over your digital life crosses the line.
This is a big one that often goes unnoticed or justified, just like jealousy. When a partner is constantly trying to take you away from your friends or family, they are trying to isolate you from your support network. My ex-boyfriend would take any excuse to come see me – we didn’t go to the same high school, so that meant I always had to hang out with him before and after school since he “didn’t get to see me during the day.” He would make it seem like he did this because he “loved me so much he couldn’t stand to be apart,” but it was clear that he was simply trying to control my time. During the school day, he would constantly text me, and if I didn’t reply quickly enough, he would get angry that I wasn’t paying enough attention to him.
This became a problem when my friends began to notice that I was always either with him or glued to my phone texting him. And when my ex caught wind that my friends were annoyed that he was hogging my time, he started spinning crazy stories about how they were bad friends for wanting to take me away from our relationship, and started to tell me who I could and couldn’t hang out with. Any male friends I had were totally off-limits, and even female friends who had brothers were off-limits. He would get angry if I made plans with a friend without telling him, and then he would tell me to cancel those plans and hang out with him instead. He successfully distanced me from my friends, which was devastating when the abuse got worse, and I desperately needed a stronger support network.
He would also try to take me away from my family by insisting he attend family events, and then hogging me to himself the whole time. He was skillful in knowing just how nice he needed to be to my parents to get them to invite him to family functions, while also maximizing the time he could have me to himself and not with other people. This isolation was a purposeful tactic he used to effectively make my life center around him – another way in which he manipulated me into staying with him.
Isolating a partner from their friends and family crosses the line.
Forcing You to Perform Sexual Acts
Yes, I am going to spell this one out, because even though it may seem obvious to some, when you are being controlled by an abuser it becomes much less clear. Recently, I spoke with an adult in my life and asked her if she had ever gone through something like I had. She simply said, “Well, there was one relationship that wasn’t great, and he made me do things I didn’t really want to do, but nothing other than that.” I pointed out that someone doing that to you is not okay, and it seemed to open her eyes to the fact that I was right – that what he did was inexcusable – for the first time.
There are so many reasons why women say things like that all the time, and the biggest reason is that we don’t draw the line at forcing us to perform sexual acts that we do not consent to.
Draw the line.
If, at any point in a relationship – be it one day in, two months in, or twenty years in – you feel uncomfortable in a physical or sexual way, and your partner ignores your discomfort and insists the act be carried out regardless, that most definitely and without hesitation crosses the line.
This one is sometimes upsetting for people to hear, because we so often make excuses for why someone could have forced us to do something like that, especially when that someone is a person we are convinced we love. What is confusing is knowing that you can love someone and they can love you, yet they can still hurt you. What isn’t confusing is that forced sexual encounters are, by definition, sexual assaults.
Naturally we all might find ourselves having sex with a partner who is not abusive, and we begin to get uncomfortable and ask our partner to stop. The fact that you started to feel uncomfortable doesn’t in itself constitute assault. What does constitute assault is when that discomfort is disregarded, undervalued, and/or questioned, and your partner chooses to continue anyway.
If your partner has said to you that they love you, so they want to have sex with you, and if you love them you’d want to have sex with them too, that is not okay. If your partner tries to guilt you into having sex, or persuade you into performing a sexual act, or tries to justify their forcefulness, or in any way makes you feel like you have no choice in the matter, that is sexual assault. That is abuse.
That most definitely crosses the line.
There are many other behaviors that constitute abuse, but the ones I didn’t spell out – hitting or physical violence, for example – are ones that society seems to collectively agree are clearly crossing the line. The problem is, as discussed in Defining the Line, society’s “line” is just one big blurry blob, and abusers take advantage of this blurriness. When we don’t draw the line, we don’t have the tools to stop them from doing this.
So there is the line—clearly and boldly. It’s not blurry, confusing or nuanced, and the sooner we definitively draw it, the sooner we can stop people from crossing it altogether.
If certain behaviors in your relationship may be crossing the line, love is respect is here to help.
Leah Zeiger is a survivor of relationship abuse and founder of The Sunflower Project, which promotes survivor healing through the art of dance. You can follow Leah’s work at www.towardsthesun.org.
SMART GIRL SECRET #1 NEVER, EVER, EVER CALL HIM
Never, ever, ever call. It’s really that simple. Don’t. Ever. Call. You’re going to want to call. You’re going to ask your friends if you should call. You’re going to ask your mother if you should call. They’re going to say yes. But you are NOT going to call. If you’re a Smart Girl and you follow the Smart Girl Rules, you just won’t ever have to.
If he wants to, he will call you. If he calls you and you don’t answer, he will call you again. If he calls and the call got disconnected, he will call you back – if he wants to. If he wants to, he will call. If he doesn’t call, he doesn’t want to call.
THE TRICK! THE TRICK IS SO IMPORTANT. The trick relates to every single Smart Girl Rule. When you docommunicate with him, be it by phone, message, update status, Instagram, and so on, BE SUPER SWEET. Be flirtatious, be warm, be funny, be charismatic, be relaxed, and be kind. DON’T BE COLD.
Honestly, if you ever forget any of the Smart Girl Rules, don’t let it EVER be Rule #1. NEVER CALL. No matter what you may think, no matter how many times he’s called first, no matter what—do not call him. Trust me, it works! I know from personal experience. If he really wants you, he will call you.
My mother always says, when a man truly wants something, he will do whatever it takes to get it. I know you feel sorry for him when he has to lift his heavy iPhone (actually, the X plus is massive), unlock the screen with meticulous effort, dial an entire set of 10 digits, and then move his whole arm towards his precious ear to call you. But I promise, he’s a big boy. He can handle it.
You may be reading this and asking WHY.
WHY SHOULDN’T I EVER CALL HIM?
So here’s my answer. First, this will all be much easier if you don’t question me and instead just follow the Smart Girl Rules. Then again, the woman reading this most likely isn’t one to sit still, look pretty and never question, and for that I am grateful.
So, here’s why you shouldn’t call: When you call a guy, it means that you want him. It automatically shows him that you’re willing to make the effort to call, that you thought about him before calling (which means you care), that you’re really not that busy, and that you’re impatient.
Not only is this true, but also, if he’s not calling you, it’s probably because a) he doesn’t feel like it, or b) he’s busy. If you call him, he’s probably in the middle of doing something, which just puts you in an awkward situation and makes it even more obvious as to why you shouldn’t have called in the first place.
Think about it: if he’s in the middle of doing something, he’ll probably get off the phone before you do (which is breaking another rule; you should always end the conversation first), and you’ll be anxious all day, waiting for him to call you back. All of this could have been avoided if you had just been patient and didn’t call. So, bottom line: don’t ever call.
WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT HIM KNOWING THAT I WANT HIM?
In the beginning of a relationship, men need at least a little bit of a challenge. There is absolutely no way around this fact. He can’t KNOW you are interested. He can THINK you are interested, he can HOPE you are interested, he can even ASSUME you are interested. But he can’t KNOW. The second a guy KNOWS you are interested, he is no longer interested himself.
So, if you don’t ever call him, how on earth will he ever know you are interested in him? THIS is why THE TRICK is so unbelievably important. YOU don’t call, but when HE does, you are extremely kind, warm and funny. You definitely want to see him, you just didn’t have time to call.
SMART GIRL PERSONAL STORY ALERT!
When I was first dating James, the man who is now my ex, he wasn’t in love with me. And, you guessed it: I wasn’t following any of the Smart Girl Rules, especially not RULE #1 NEVER CALL. I would call him sometimes, he would call me, and whenever he wanted to do something—I was free.
But of course he didn’t want me. Why? BECAUSE I CALLED. And then, he KNEW he had me in the palm of his farmer boy hand.
There was no chase, no challenge, no nothing. The fact that I called showed him how often I was thinking of him, how much of a priority he was to me, and that turned him off. It was all too easy for him.
When he broke up with me for the first time, he said that “something was missing.” That breakup tore me to pieces, left me sobbing and eating Ben& Jerry’s fudge brownie ice cream in front of the TV, but that’s when I realized things had to change.
I just wasn’t sure what.
After the breakup, I continued to call James every once in a while, only when I honestly felt like I couldn’t handle it any longer and absolutely needed to hear his voice. Every time I would call, he KNEW that I was still his. Until one day I decided to experiment.
That’s it. I’m not calling him for a month, I told myself. No matter what.
And so it all began.
Long story short, I didn’t call for a month and I went from being obsessive to being obsessed over. The first week, he didn’t call, and I cried. A lot. The second week, the calls started coming in every once in a while, and I wouldn’t pick up every time. By the third week, he would call every day, and by the fourth, he was begging we would get back together. All because I didn’t call. All because I followed the Smart Girl Rules.
James was the guy who would never call me back, who always had other things to do, who didn’t make plans in advance. And me? I was the girl who waited by the phone, called him to see if “everything was okay,” and continually made up excuses for why he acted the way he did.
But now, the guy who never bought me flowers turned into the man who proposed to me at Central Park with a gorgeous diamond (oops – I broke up with him but that’s an entirely different story – some relationships can’t be saved). The point is, this miraculous transformation didn’t happen by itself. It occurred the second I stopped calling, the second I started being a Smart Girl and simultaneously expressing my self-worth through my actions.
So remember Smart Girls, when a man really wants you, he will do whatever it takes to be with you.
If a man really wants you, he will call. And you won’t have to.
Me back called she
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1. To call (someone or some place) on the telephone again, usually after failing to reach the desired person the first time. A noun or pronoun can be used between "call" and "back." I didn't get an answer, so I'll trying calling back tomorrow.I have to call the passport office back in about an hour because everyone was out to lunch.
2. To return someone's or some organization's telephone call. A noun or pronoun is be used between "call" and "back." I saw I missed a call from my mother, so I need to call her back once we're finished eating.We are unable to answer the telephone right now, so please leave a message with your name and number, and we will call you back as soon as possible.
3. To instruct someone to return to a particular place or situation. In this usage, a noun or pronoun is typically used between "call" and "back." As I walked to my car, my mom called me back to retrieve a textbook I'd almost forgotten.
4. To recall a defective item. In this usage, a noun or pronoun can be used between "call" and "back." If that part does in fact cause engines to overheat, then we have no choice but to call it back.
See also: back, call
Farlex Dictionary of Idioms. © 2015 Farlex, Inc, all rights reserved.
call someone or something back
to call out that someone or something should come back. As she left, the clerk called her back.The clerk called back the customer.
See also: back, call
call someone back
1. to call someone again on the telephone. Since she is not there, I will call her back in half an hour.Carl called back Mary after his meeting was over.
2. to return a telephone call to a person who had called earlier. I got his message; I will call him back tomorrow.I have to call back my friend now.
3. Go to call someone or something back.
See also: back, call
1. to call [someone] again on the telephone at a later time. Call back later, please.I will call back when you are not so busy.
2. to return a telephone call received earlier. The note says I am to call back. What did you want?This is Bill Wilson calling back.
See also: back, call
McGraw-Hill Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
1. Ask someone to return; also, ask that something be returned, as in He passed the first audition and was waiting to be called back, or These screws are defective; the manufacturer has called them back. [Late 1500s]
2. call someone back. Telephone someone in return, as in May I call you back next week? [Early 1900s]
See also: back, call
The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms by Christine Ammer. Copyright © 2003, 1997 by The Christine Ammer 1992 Trust. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
1. To contact, or attempt to contact, someone who has called previously, especially by telephone: When I got home from work, I called back my mother, who had left a message on my answering machine. I left a message asking the manager to call me back as soon as possible. I'll call back tonight when your parents are home.
2. To summon someone back to a previous situation or location: Just as I started walking away, the teacher called me back. The workers who were laid off are hoping that management will call them back as soon as the economy improves.
3. To recall something defective for repair: The company has called back all models of this car built in 2002. After discovering that the toy was unsafe for small children, the company was forced to call it back.
See also: back, call
The American Heritage® Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs. Copyright © 2005 by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.See also:
Break-ups are never easy, but why do some people fight to win an ex back while others run a mile? The temptation to rekindle an old flame is deeply rooted in our psychology.
Tears streamed down her face, as Yannes told George their relationship was no longer working out. Along the promenade, the 28-year-old from Hong Kong heaved a sigh of relief and slowly walked back home, with her heart broken.
It was the third time the two had broken up in just the course of two months. This time, Yannes said there was no way back.
“I missed him a lot and I constantly replayed our happy memories in my mind,” says Yannes of each of their previous break-ups. The nostalgia for their happier times soon got the better of her “so I went back again and again. But our mindsets are too different to begin with and that hasn’t changed. I’ve deleted his presence on all my social media, and I just know that this is the last time we will be together.”
The desire to rekindle an old flame turns out to be quite common throughout our lifetimes. Almost two-third of college students have had an on-again/ off-again relationship, while half will continue a sexual relationship after a break-up.
The blurriness of relationships continues even after vows have been exchanged. Over one-third of cohabiting couples and one-fifth of married couples have experienced a break-up and renewal in their current relationship.
A feeling that has inspired countless songs, novels, plays, reality shows and films – breaking up and seeking forgiveness is perhaps unsurprisingly deeply rooted in our psychologies. But why are we prone to rehash a relationship that failed?
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When the break-up first happens, people tend to go through what Helen Fisher, a neurologist at the Kinsey Institute, calls a “protest” phase, during which the rejected party becomes obsessed with winning back the person who calls it quits.
Younger people might be more prone to on-again/ off-again relationships (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)
Fisher and a group of scientists put 15 people who were recently rejected by a romantic partner through a brain scan, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). When they were told to look at the image of their former beloved, the areas in their brain associated with gains and losses, craving and emotion regulation were activated, as well as brain regions for romantic love and attachment.
“After rejection, you don’t stop loving that person; in fact, you can love that person even more. The major brain region associated with addiction is active,” Fisher says.
At this moment, the rejected lovers experience elevated levels of dopamine and the neurotransmitter norepinephrine, which is linked to raised stress levels and the urge to call for help, according to Fisher. She calls this “frustration attraction”. This is thought to be why, in a moment of high emotions, some spurned people resort to dramatic gestures to get back together with the object of their desire.
Active in both the rejected men and women was the nucleus accumbens, a major brain region associated with addiction. The participants in Fishers study thought about their rejecter “obsessively” and craved emotional union with that partner.
“The separation anxiety is like a puppy taken away from its mother and put in the kitchen by itself: it runs around in circles, barks and whines,” Fisher adds. “The couples who break up and get back together multiple times are still chemically addicted to each other, so they are not able to cleanly split until that [addiction] runs out.”
As well as the chemical reactions in our brain, people push to renew their once-doomed relationships because of a whole host of behavioural reasons. If a partner has dated someone new after the split this can speed up the erasure of old feelings, reducing the likelihood of getting back together. While other people experience more synchronised levels of passion after the break-up, increasing their likelihood of forgiveness, and so on.
A sense of unresolvedness in the relationship could make it tempting for the partners to try it out again, says Rene Dailey, a professor who researches on-again/off-again relationships at the University of Texas.
Bad break-up behaviours have been around for a long time, but more recently they have been given their own terms, like ghosting (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)
“The couple might experience a lot of conflict [during] the break-up but still feel connected or love for their partner,” says Dailey. “So it could be more about not being able to manage or resolve the conflict. If the break-ups are ambiguous, people might feel like they made positive changes to the relationship and try again.”
Dailey also says attachment theory, popular is some areas of psychology and much covered in the media to explain some parts of compatibility in dating, does not explain romantic reconciliation.
Attachment theory suggests that caregivers’ behaviour towards children shapes their attachment style in their adult life – they can be secure, anxious or avoidant towards other adults later on. A secure attachment style signifies a healthy emotional communication, while anxiously-attached individuals tend to doubt their self-worth and go to great lengths to restore proximity. A third group, those with avoidant attachment, are perceived as emotionally unavailable and self-sufficient by defensively refusing proximity.
According to this theory, partners with anxious and avoidant attachment styles are said to be attracted to each other and find it difficult to break up permanently. But, research appears not to support this.
“We found very little differences between on-off and non-cyclical partners in attachment anxiety and avoidance, nor differences in how these attachment orientations are related to relational quality for such partners. Even though attachment theory seems like a good explanation, we haven’t found this to be the case,” says Dailey.
Like with Yannes, nostalgia and loneliness do play a role in pursuing forgiveness. “When people do find themselves wanting to get back together with an ex even if they didn’t treat them well, it is usually related to feelings of loneliness, missing the positive things about the relationship, and the sense of loss and grief that comes with a break-up,” says Kristen Mark, a professor specialising in sexual health at the University of Kentucky. She says that nostalgia for past relationships often first emerges when the current relationship quality begins to suffer.
People who fear being single report a stronger desire to get back with an ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)
Those with a stronger fear of being single report a greater longing for their ex-partners and a stronger desire to renew the relationship. This might also explain Yannes’s behaviour in the current climate. She says she felt lonely during the coronavirus outbreak, prompting her to reach out to her previous lover and attempt to mend their relationship.
The loneliness that locked-down single people are feeling could be exacerbated by social media, as it makes it easier for one to keep their ex-lovers in sight. The desire to avoid loneliness at all costs can drive people back in the arms of their ex-partners, according to Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine.
“The invention of Facebook and other social media sites enable people to find old exes and bring them together,” says Saltz. “We tend to see past relationships in a rosier light than they necessarily were and forget that people can change over time as well. Social media makes it harder to have closure and move on – stalking an ex’s posts can be very unhealthy.”
With social media making separations stickier, it is perhaps unsurprising that Millennials and Gen Z could be even more susceptible to negative break-up behaviours, according to Berit Brogaard, a professor at the University of Miami who specialises in the philosophy of emotions and authored the book On Romance.
“Bad break-up behaviours have been around for as long as romantic love has,” says Brogaard. “But that has become so prevalent that they have been categorised and named – ghosting, submarining, benching, bread-crumbing, orbiting, zombieing and so on.”
Younger Millennials and Gen Zs are much more vulnerable to anxiety and depression and depend much more strongly on social approval than older Millennials, so the former may well be prone to on-again/ off-again relationships, Brogaard added.
If Millennials and Gen Zs are born with laptops and tablets on their hands, they tend to look for dating solutions online. As a result, personal coaching businesses in the US alone were valued at more than $1bn (£0.8bn) in 2018 and a niche market for the heartbroken has started to emerge. Break-up coaches now promise to help their clients move on or rekindle former romance. Many offer tips and strategies on their blogs, YouTube videos and podcasts which register views in the millions.
Keeping your distance after a break up might be a good thing regardless of whether you want to win them back (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Alamy)
Among some popular ones, a “no-contact rule” (ranging from 30 days to 60 days, some even say infinitely), is a common tactic. This time is supposed to be used to work on self-development. Many suggest sending texts to their exes to remind them of the good times they had and show them how they have changed during this period.
Neurologist and anthropologist Helen Fisher agrees a “no-contact rule” can be beneficial. She says a period of at least 90 days is proven to be effective to abstain from addictive substances. But would this work with relationships?
“The way to accelerate mending a broken heart is similar to treating addiction – you put away their things, stop looking at their social media and have no contact with them,” Fisher says.
Brogaard also says that the rule “does have some basis in science”. The intensity of strong emotions – including anger, betrayal and so on – tends to lessen with time.
Lilian, another Hong Konger in her late 20s, was one of the heartbroken internet users who searched for ways to reconcile with her ex boyfriend on the internet a few days after a break-up. She bumped into a dating coach’s videos on social media.
Lilian says that the coach offered tips to create distance with the ex-partner and work on re-attraction. “It comforted me after the separation, but it also made me more anxious. The break-up coach suggested waiting for 30 days to contact the ex-boyfriend again, and to dress better the next time we meet to show that I have improved myself, but I couldn’t wait that long,” Lilian said.
Although these coaches might come as an instant comfort after a heartbreak, their suggestions might not be scientifically credible. “Break-up coaches tend to lack proper training – self-training or academic – in relevant fields such as neuroscience, psychology, cognitive science, philosophy or social work,” says Brogaard.
One tip that so-called relationship coaches suggest is to try to improve your image the next time you meet your ex (Credit: Javier Hirschfeld/ Getty Images)
The psychologist adds that some even plagiarise others who have relevant training, but they are unable to fact-check the information they lift from others.
“They can be more expensive than a good therapist, but without any evidence that the advice they offer is sound, you might be wasting your time and money buying their products,” she says. “Their books are sometimes more affordable, but not peer-reviewed and are for the most part practically useless.”
Experts still have reservations about the industry, which has little to no regulations. Dailey seconded Brogaard’s comment that a lot of break-up coaches “do not have the qualifications to give advice,” while Saltz says that it’s not a 'regulated area'.
“Pretty much anyone can call themselves a coach. So I’d be very cautious on that front. What amount, intensity and level of formalised training has this person really had? A several day or multi weekend course does not a therapist make. Who trained them, what type of training?” Saltz says.
Brogaard advises the heartbroken to read literature on break-ups and relationships from legitimate sources, including academic review papers on Google Scholar, instead of spending money on break-up coaching. But she warns against spending a lot of time and energy to win someone back.
“If you have to go out of your way to get back with your ex, are they really worth it?”
They said there are no “tricks” to reconciliation but to talk about what went wrong in the failed relationship with honesty.
For those who cannot reconcile with their former romance, the silver linings are that after the “protest” stage, their brain can go into a stage of “resignation/despair”, then finally acceptance, indifference and growth, Fisher says.
“You experience extreme pain and anxiety, but finally there’s recovery,” concludes Fisher. “You never forget the person who dumps you, but you move on and love someone new.”
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I Missed a Call From My Ex. Should I Call Her Back?
It’s not needy to pursue your ex in a calm, confident manner.
A real man does what it takes to get her back and women know that.
Before you call her though, make sure that you are fully prepared to re-attract her.
Here are 3 tips to help you attract her on the call:
1. Start the call off with humor and a light hearted attitude
The more relaxed and at ease your ex feels when talking to you, the higher the chances are that she will then open up to the idea of seeing you in person.
This is why it’s important to use humor to make her drop her guard when you call her back.
An example of how to do that is by saying (in a joking way), “Hey, I missed a call from you. What the heck do you want?” and then have a laugh with her about that.
I know that it might sound pretty harsh to say that, but you are saying it in a joking way, so it’s totally fine and will be funny.
I give an example of how to say it in this video…
By the way…
After saying, “Hey, I missed a call from you. What the heck do you want?” and then having a laugh with her, you can then say, you can then say, “No, just kidding. How are you?” and get the conversation flowing from there.
Starting the call off that way ensures that you and her aren’t feeling unnecessarily awkward for talking to each other on the phone.
Instead, you’re talking and laughing like you used to when things were good between you and her.
When you have the confidence to be like that, a woman can’t stop herself from feeling attracted to you.
Women are automatically attracted to guys who have the balls to be confident and joke around with them, while also being a good guy.
So, don’t be afraid to joke around with her in a bit of a ballsy way.
She’ll love it.
Then, rather than being on her guard and putting on an act of not wanting to talk to you, she relaxes, opens up and enjoys talking to you again.
Another tip is to…
2. Build on her feelings for you while on the phone call
Where many guys go wrong is by getting on a phone call with an ex woman and being on their best behavior (e.g. being polite, nice, sensitive, hesitant, reserved) to hopefully impress her or make her feel pity for him.
For example: A guy might think, “This phone call is my only chance to get her back, so I can’t afford to blow it. I’ll just be nice and friendly and hope that she doesn’t get annoyed and hang up. From there, we can slowly progress to getting back together again.”
He then calls her and talks to her in a neutral, friendly way, which doesn’t make her feel motivated enough to want to see him in person.
He’s feeling attracted to her and wants her back, but she’s just not feeling it.
Of course, a woman usually won’t tell a guy that directly, especially if she wants to keep him around as a friend until she finds a replacement guy.
Another mistake that a guy might make on a phone call with his ex (which doesn’t help build her feelings for him), is to get into a serious discussion about the relationship.
For example: He might bring up many of his past mistakes and say things like, “I know that by being (e.g. too insecure and needy, controlling, not manly enough, not focused and driven) I turned you off. However, I’m willing to change those things about myself and be the man you really want me to be. You just need to tell me what I should change and I will focus on that. I’m willing to try anything you suggest to make things work between us again. You have my word on that.”
Essentially, he’s hoping she will think something along the lines of, “Wow! He’s being so generous, caring and mature about this. Not only is he admitting where he went wrong, but he’s also asking for my help. This is great! I can now guide him and teach him how to be the man that I want. I can be like a mother figure to him.”
Unfortunately, that’s not what happens and it’s not what women want.
In reality, the woman just feels even more turned off by him.
He is reminding her of why she broke up with him, rather than re-attracting her.
He’s also expecting her to be his teacher in life and explain how he can re-attract her.
A woman doesn’t want that.
So, what is a better way to go about building your ex’s feelings on a call?
- Rather than sucking up to her by being extra nice, focus on creating sexual tension by flirting with her.
- Rather than talking a lot about the relationship and how you screwed up, keep things light and focus on making her laugh and smile.
- Rather than asking her what you need to do to get her back, show her (don’t tell her) that you’ve already figured those things out by yourself and have taken steps to change and improve without her help. She will pick up on the changes herself, simply by interacting with you and listening to how you now think, speak, feel and behave.
When you interact with her in ways that make her feel attracted to you, she can relax and enjoy the moment, rather than keeping her guard up and trying to get away from you as quickly as possible.
When she feels attracted, she starts to focus on all the good things about you that she does like, rather than focusing on the negatives about you that lead to the break up.
As a result, the idea of meeting up with you to see where things go starts to feel like a really good idea to her.
Another tip is to…
3. Get her to meet up with you
In some cases, talking to your ex over the phone for one or two calls is perfectly fine to begin with.
Having those conversations allows you to build up her feelings for you (i.e. because you’re showing her that you’re now at a different level as a man than when she broke up with you) and it also makes her drop her guard and start feeling comfortable around you again.
However, just talking on the phone for days and weeks definitely isn’t the best way to get her back into a relationship with you for real.
To get back into a real relationship, you actually have to meet up with her in person and let her experience the new you.
When she is face-to-face with you and you are sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you (i.e. via your body language, the way you’re talking to her and the way you’re interacting with her and responding to what she says and does), she won’t be able to resist feeling drawn to you again.
On the other hand, if all the interactions between you and her are over the phone, she won’t be able to completely experience the new and improved you or get to kiss you and have sex with you again.
Additionally, if you just stick to phone calls or texts, it’s possible that she may begin to wonder, “How can I be sure that he really has changed? I know that he sounds different over the phone, but he could just be feeling confident because he’s hiding behind the safety of a phone. I’m just not sure if he’d be this confident in person.”
So, rather than waste weeks or months chatting on the phone, get to a meet up, re-attract her, hook up with her and get her back into a relationship.
Here’s an example of how you can do it…
Imagine that you’re on a call with your ex and you’ve been making her laugh and smile and feel good to be talking to you.
After a few more minutes of light-hearted conversation, you say, “Hey, it’s fun chatting again. Why don’t we get together sometime this week for a quick cup of coffee to say hi in person? It would be nice to see you again.”
In most cases, if you’ve built up her feelings for you during your interactions on the phone, she will almost certainly say “Yes” and you can then go ahead and arrange a suitable place and time to meet.
However, if she doesn’t agree right away, don’t worry about.
Regardless of what she says, don’t get upset or say things like, “Why not? Why are you being so stubborn about this? I thought we were getting along with each other again. Please, just meet up with me!”
Reacting like that will turn her off because women are turned off by emotional weakness in men (i.e. self doubt, insecurity, inability to handle challenging situations).
So, if she’s playing a little bit hard to get, simply say in a joking way, “Hey it’s just a coffee. It’s not as if we’ll be ordering a 3 course meal. It’s just a coffee, so you don’t have to stick around any longer than 10 or 15 minutes if you don’t want to.”
At this point she will most likely say “Yes,” and you can then arrange a meet up that is convenient for you both.
Just remember: When you meet up with her for coffee, you’ve got to continue saying and doing the types of things that will turn her feelings back on for you (e.g. being confident and self assured, make her laugh and smile, make her feel like a feminine, sexy woman in your presence), rather than coming across as unsure of yourself.
If you approach it correctly, she will automatically begin to feel attracted to you and the idea of giving the relationship another chance will seem like the right thing to do for her.
3 Mistakes to Avoid Making if You Missed a Call From Your Ex
Missing a call from your ex is not the end of the world.
In fact, in some instances it’s actually a good thing, because it shows her that you’re not desperately hanging on to your phone every second of the day and waiting for her to call you.
So, if you missed a call from your ex, don’t worry – everything is fine.
All you need to do now is call her back and trigger her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
Of course, not all guys know that, so they end up making one or more of the following mistakes:
1. Hoping that not calling back will make her want him even more
Sometimes that can work, but many times it backfires.
The woman feels as though he is sending her a message by not calling back (i.e. he isn’t interested).
She worries that if she keeps pursuing him, he might text her or call her to say, “I just want to tell you that I’ve moved on with a new girl and I’m happy now. She doesn’t want you calling me anymore. Please respect that. Thank you.”
The woman then feels like she has been rejected and left behind by her ex.
So, rather than running that risk, she calls once and if her ex doesn’t call back, she tries to move on without him (i.e. dates and has sex with new guys).
Of course, not all guys realize that and instead, many guys hope that by not returning her call, she will begin to miss him like crazy and keep calling until he gives her another chance.
Yet, she doesn’t call back.
When he eventually builds up the courage to call her, she then says, “Sorry. I called you and you didn’t call me back. I gave you a chance, but you obviously weren’t interested. It’s too late now. I’m with someone else and I’m happy, so please respect that now and leave me alone.”
Don’t let that happen to you.
You’ve got nothing to lose by calling your ex back and everything to gain.
So, just call her and get her back.
Another mistake to avoid making is to…
2. Texting her back because it feels safer
Texting is a lot easier in some cases, but it’s not as effective as getting on a call, attracting her and then getting her to meet up with you.
You’ve got to be a man about it and just call her.
Another mistake to avoid making is to…
3. Calling once and then never calling back again if she doesn’t answer the first time
Sometimes, a woman will ignore you when you call her back just to see how you will react if she doesn’t answer.
- Will you get desperate and start calling her repeatedly?
- Will you start texting her in an insecure way and asking why she isn’t answering?
- Will you give up at the first sign of difficulty?
- Will you start bombarding her with flowers, gifts and attention as a way of getting her back?
- Will you lose confidence in yourself and in your value to her?
- Will you be a man about it and just call her again another time (e.g. the next day or a few days later)?
Depending on your reaction, she will get some insight on whether or not you’ve changed and improved and become a better man since the break up.
Of course, in some cases, a woman might have just been in the shower, eating dinner or busy doing something and wasn’t able to get to the call.
By not calling her back, you’re blowing your chances of getting back together again.
So, if you want your ex back for real, don’t give up at the first sign of difficultly.
If she doesn’t answer her phone when you call her back the first time, just call again another time.
As long as you don’t become desperate and start calling her every hour or texting her like crazy and trying to reach her, then chances are high that she will answer your call sooner rather than later.
After all, she’s the one who called you first, so that usually means she does want to talk to you.
When you get her on the phone, just focus on sparking her feelings for you (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, making her feel feminine and girly) and get her to a meet up.
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